My faith and prayer life have been shaken to their core, due to events beyond my control over the past several months, and especially weeks. (Family, church, relationships)
But this devotional shed some light on some things I have been struggling with and questioning God about.
I have been angry at God, yelled at God, stomped my foot at God, accused God, etc....you get the picture. But this is not the first time in my adult life that I have pitched a "spiritual" fit.
I never questioned God as a child. I clung to Him. I had too. My health...even my LIFE was at stake. Oh, to still have that 'child-like' faith in our heavenly Father.
I have questioned God ALOT over the last 10 years or so.
I can remember clearly the first time I pitched a "fit" before God and at God. (Yeah, I'm a brazen little toot...I know.) I had just gotten home from being hospitalized for CHF and receiving the news (for the FIRST time) that I needed a heart transplant. (I'm still arguing with the doctors on that one.)
I was alone in my home. And when you're home alone with news like that running through your head, all sorts of things were possible.
Here I was, 30ish, with a husband and young daughter to care for.
How DARE the doctors tell me such a thing.
How DARE God allow such a thing to happen.
So I did the ONLY thing I could do....at the time. I got mad. I mean, I got REALLY angry with God. I started yelling and screaming at Him. I was NOT in a good state of mind. I thought my daughter would be left all alone with NO ONE to really take care of her....not like I WOULD!!!! I'm her mother. Nobody can love her and take care of her like I can.
God was merciful to me. He let me have my little hissy fit. He knew (and still knows) my heart. He knew I was scared and angry, and hurt. He knew things were out of my hands. He knew ME!!! He just sat there like any good parent would while a child is having a fit. And when I was through, He wrapped me in His loving arms and let me know everything was going to be OK!
I have had a few other 'fits' since that time. The latest involving my daughter and the man we thought she would marry. I'm still stewing over that one.
Again, I blamed God. Blamed Him because for years my daughter (and I) have prayed the same prayer.....that God would "drop her husband in her lap" so to speak. She did not want to go through guy after guy, heartbreak after heartbreak, until she found THE guy. I feel He DID NOT answer her prayers....her pleadings with Him. And I GOT MAD!!!!
God is God!! He can do whatever He wants to do.
I got angry with Him.
Again, He let me have my little 'fit'.
I DO realize that God gave man a free will. But still........
And just this morning, I read this devotional below.....and it's as if He took me in His fatherly arms, stroked my hair, and told me "Sshhh...it's going to be OK!!"
He knows my motherly heart. He knows how much I love my daughter. And He knows that I believe in Him and love Him with all my heart.
My 'spiritual fit' is over....for now.
I'm sure I will have more.
I am a mother.
I do have a very serious and severe heart DEFECT. My doctors have practically given up on me....unless I have a heart transplant.
And I am human.
I am curious, though. Has anyone else ever pitched a fit with God....like the ones I've described above? Or are you too scared too?
If God knows your heart, I'm sure He will just sit there.....and wait. Then when you're done, He'll wrap you in His arms, once again, and say, "Sshh...it's going to be OK!!!
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Here is the devotional that led to the above writings:
Prayer sometimes tarrieth like a petitioner at the gate, until the King cometh forth to fill her bosom with the blessings which she seeketh.
The Lord, when he hath given great faith, has been known to try it by long delayings.
He has suffered his servants' voices to echo in their ears as from a brazen sky.
Unanswered petitions are not unheard.
By and by thy suit shall prevail.
Canst thou not be content to wait a little? Will not thy Lord's time be better than thy time?
By and by he will comfortably appear, to thy soul's joy, and make thee put away the sackcloth and ashes of long waiting, and put on the scarlet and fine linen of full fruition.
Sent from the Daily Help Devotional.
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