I had an emotional day yesterday. Guess that's what I get for poking my nosy nose where I shouldn't be poking it.......in the past. Past IS past, and you can't change it. So why go messing around in it, right? Well, I got a little bit too curious about my specific heart defect yesterday, and decided to do a little research.
For several years now, when the ever-so-smart 'general practice' cardiologists would ask me what was 'wrong'.....I would proceed to regurgitate what I had memorized from doctor's report's from bygone eras (a.k.a my past reports).
Now right in the middle somewhere, I would say 'corrected transposition' and they would rudely interrupt and start asking if my heart had been surgically corrected. I always look at them with this distasteful, rather ever-so-slightly arrogant look and say "NO".....rather sarcastically.
You see, I didn't know there was such a thing. Then I start reading of young babies (of the 90's era and above), who have had their congenital heart defects (similar to mine) corrected, and they go on to live healthy, happy lives. I chalked it up to technology.
But, when MORE THAN ONE doctor asks me the same question, visit after visit, that makes me a little curious.
So.....yesterday I do a little digging, and then proceeded to have a melt-down.
I google MY specific defect, and didn't get very far. But, I keep at it, and eventually find a few articles that I wish now that I had never read. I found some medical papers, written by several different doctors (in the 1970's), from different hospitals, that documents 'real' CORRECTIVE surgery done on patients to correct their defective hearts.
That's......where I lost it. They actually had the technology 'back then' to put my heart together the way it was supposed to be.....and nobody ever even bothered to tell my parents that it was even possible.
I told you I should have left well-enough alone. That just irks me REALLY BAD!!!!
My daughter, bless her heart, had to pick last night to ask me how I was doing on my new meds. I proceeded to have another melt-down.
She, being the good daughter that she is, started telling me that maybe it was God's will for me to remain 'as is'......to think of how many people have been blessed by my testimony. I do! But....
But now I'm faced with having to make a decision I'd rather NOT make. Whether, or not, to have a heart transplant. The doctors, bless THEIR hearts, have been 'hounding' me about this for 7 or so years now.
One doctor told me that I was essentially trading one disease for another. And the 'other' would keep me visiting the hospital and doctors MORE than I do now....which, by the way, is a bother. Especially since I am not able to see the 'correct' doctor. Just a 'regular' cardiologist, who proceeds to ask me each time the same stupid questions.
Here's an idea.....WHY DON'T THEY READ MY CHART (AND STUDY IT) BEFORE THEY COME INTO THE EXAM ROOM?!
Anyway....back to my melt-down! My sweet daughter ask me if I was considering a heart transplant....this time around. I told her that I was. I told her I want to live to see my 'not yet conceived' grandchildren GROW UP! I also told her that, at the present, I didn't know if that would be possible with a new heart.
But what do I know? God's been with me this far, but with my little change in attitude since I turned 41, I'm not sure how much He even WANTS to be with me anymore.
Because.......
My little attitude change hit me, of all mornings, on my 41st birthday. I realized that I had spent the first 40 years doing what others wanted of me......being the quiet, respectful one even when wrong was being done.....never having a backbone and standing up to certain people......taking whatever certain people dished out, even when they dished it on my daughter.
And I am now going to spend the next 40 (God willing) doing things MY way. Being bold in what I say. Taking on family, church, government, friends........speaking the truth, taking a stand for what's right.....even if it DOES MEAN going against family and the church.
At this point....I don't care if I loose family or church. I have, of late, found church to be a bit overrated. YES....I believe in GOD.....I DO NOT, however, believe in the church system anymore....right now.
Church people, who want to hold godly young people back from moving forward in the Word of God, who want to hinder their talent, who don't want them serving as ANYTHING in the church (because they are too young).....those kinds of 'church people'.....are NOT "the church" as God intended it to be. That kind of church, I won't ABSOLUTELY NO PART OF ANYMORE!!
If that makes some readers mad, then feel free to bite me.....virtually, of course!
Anyway, after that little detour.....back to the heart transplant 'thingy'. At this point, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO!!!
I want to live to see my grandchildren grow up, but I also don't want to be tethered to the doctors and hospitals for the rest of my life. What to do.....what to do?!
And I also realize that someone else has to DIE so that I can LIVE!! That doesn't set too well either.
I'm numb, dazed, crazy, insane, fuzzy. Could be the meds.....or not. It could just be ME!!
Who knows?
And there's still that little matter of me wanting to strangle a certain group of people for what they have done to my daughter.
It's a mamma thing.......something some females (even ones with kids) know nothing about. I just pray the God will make Satan take his hands off of them JUST LONG ENOUGH for God to avenge my daughter......since me doing so would land me in jail.....and my daughter would rather me NOT go to prison.....just yet!
To those reading this, digging for dirt TO KEEP STRIFE STIRRED UP.......Satan's got a good hold on you doesn't he?
To my other readers......have a blessed day :)
CCL
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