When people enter a church to see God yet can't see God because of the church, don't think for a second that God doesn't react. ~ Max Lucado
Lord, grant me a walk with you so sweet, that if you took all else away, I would not miss what you took. ~ Max Lucado (That is my prayer ALWAYS!!)
We have no right to go through the world looking dour and dark, as though our religion had a depressing and saddening effect on its professors. (That is NOT the way we, as Christians, need to portray ourselves to others. I try very hard, when I'm in a 'mood'....NOT to let that mood reflect my love for others and for my God. I hope people don't see the anguish I am in sometimes. I want to reflect God's love ALWAYS!!!)Take them however you want to take them. And now for my 'moody' day :(
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Today just hasn't been my day. I woke up this morning about 5:30 when my little ones (aka...my cats) woke me up. And since I knew no one in my house wouldn't really want to get up with them, I did.
And before y'all go saying things like "they're just cats"......remember....they are MY cats. And they are special.
Anyway.....I got on up with them, and that's when the feeling started. The "It's not fair" feelings. I am 41 years old, and those feelings, all these years, have been rare. But they are becoming more frequent, as I get weaker, and tireder, and more SOB. And having to deal with religious people wanting to stir up trouble, and people crapping on my daddy because they don't like me for some STUPID reason, me thinking that family really don't want to help me out, etc., just makes the feelings worse.
Those religious people just need to stop being so religious and START BEING AND ACTING LIKE THE CHRISTIANS THEY CLAIM TO BE!!! Stop being hypocrites!!! That is sickening!!!
I know my husband would rather me not ask him to help. And my daughter, well.....I USED to be able to ask her to do anything and I honestly felt she didn't mind. Now, I'm not so sure. Sometimes she doesn't mind, and sometimes I think she'd rather me NOT ask her to do anything. The part about her is probably not true, but I still feel that way sometimes. It probably comes with 'the mood'. She really is an angel from God!
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! I need SOMEBODY who I know IN MY HEART will not mind helping me in the least. And who would not mind being my 'caretaker' for awhile....in the event I decide to walk the transplant path.
And since I'm in one of 'my moods', I'm liable to say anything. But I will try very hard to keep it nice. I'm NOT apologizing in advance.....just sayin'.
It's not fair that I don't feel like I can ask someone for help.....and them REALLY want to.
It's not fair that I have to choose between getting a heart transplant, and possibly dieing on the table.....and having to go through all the medical mess that goes with it
OR
keeping the heart I have now....with all it's ailments and not having a life....and possibly dieing that way.
It's not fair that I don't know which way to go with the above.
It's not fair I have to choose.
It's not fair that I have to put my family through all that worry and grief again. My daddy said in church this morning that back in 1980 when they found out I would have to have open-heart surgery, that he wouldn't cry in front of us. Instead, he would go out behind our house in Georgia and cry is heart out. (I had to leave service and compose myself.) How am I supposed to go through something a MILLION TIMES more scary than that?! I don't want to do that to my family!! Make them worry and cry!
It's not fair that I have to put my little kitties without me for no telling how long, while I'm where ever I might be for the transplant. They don't understand why mamma's gone!
It's not fair I might have to put a family member, or two, out of work while they take care of me after surgery.....until I get back on my feet.
And it's NOT FAIR that I have to put myself through such an ordeal.
IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!
I am trying so hard to keep the tears from flowing....but it's hard.
My dad told me this afternoon that he's been praying that God lets me live to be 80.....and him live to see it. I think he just wants to live to be 102....lol
I told him that I don't want to live to be 80 if I have to be like one of the little ladies in the nursing home....confined to bed or wheelchair....not being able to care for themselves. I wouldn't mind so much if I was like my Granny though. Still going strong at 80. (She's 87 now.)
But that got me thinking.....would it be with my own heart....or the heart of someone else that gets me to 80?
I thought that as the day wore on, I would get out of this funky spell I was in. But nope...I still have it.
I am scared to death either way I go. I really need to know what to do.......and then I need peace about it.
Why did it have to come to this?
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I really hope I'm better my in the morning. The day that Grace and I have been planning (and saving for) for SIX WEEKS is finally here.....our shopping day in Shreveport and the David Phelps concert that night.
We are going clothes shopping, Christmas shopping, pet shopping, playing putt-putt golf, eating at the Saltgrass Steakhouse on the Boardwalk, riding the carousel, getting coffee at Starbuck's....oh and our concert that night. Gosh!!! Am I ready for this? I've already told Grace that as long as we take it slooooowwww......I'll probably be fine. I hope so. But that aside.....I AM SOOOO SIKED ABOUT TOMORROW! It's going to be AWESOME!!!
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Sorry to burst some of my reader's bubbles (the ones that get on here digging for DIRT) who thought I thought I was perfect. I never said that. And now ya know :P
I'm crazy! I'm a bit ditsy! I'm humorously sarcastic! I'm blunt! I'm honest! And I'm 41....and that means I am liable to say, or do, just about anything!
Deal with it. Accept it. And move on!!
Oh....and have a WONDERFUL day *smiles*
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